Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Responsible To You

I have been here before, but removed by the thin glass that would see me set detached. And now, violently aware of the emotions taking place over here, I am filled with the past, enslaved by my own regret. What am I, if not confused, if not abused, if not in perpetual sorrow for the stares I have stared before. I have seen my face, like in a mirror, betrothed by wonder and simultaneously angry at the faces that would stop my progression and make me, force me to check myself, my thoughts, my expression, ceasing the flow of my spirit in its search for perfection. I have seen it like a tool of arrogance. Seen it like a manual for the ever aware, ever distant God to view me. And now, being on the inside I can only marvel at the simplicity of omnipotence and study, to put oneself permanently inside another, than this being is revealed with every self reflection. To wonder unto oneself is to be exposed to what is inside. This could be the catalyst of eternity, that what we teach is not left in lesson, but left inside, leaving us imprinted with the voices of the souls around us reminding us that it is a progression and that we must grow and that we are all responsible to each other.

ELL 10/16/06

Monday, January 25, 2010

Tread Slowly

Oh to tread slowly against the current of my intent
Would be to bow kindly to her next attempt;
To find infatuation hiding in its muddy water;
To move more quickly in the trust of her Father.

Oh to tread slowly against this current;
What I have done to ease this tide;
Gravity's moving, can't fight against it;
This is fate dear, and Love's every instant.

Stop trying and I will,
To build a dam, I break it;
Find me, instead, swimming to save it.
And should we put asunder those that would make it;
We would have victory in the arms of serendipity,
Let it be then till the end, that we rise against it;
Let it stand, let it stand, out of water, this instant.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Vein

I saw you through the leaves
In the corrugated vein of who I'd be.
Pulse pulse to quick in the wet wind that blew,
Pulse pulse to fast for what we knew.
Music is wrong, airs to cold,
But I force these leaves to be
With the inadequate will of my infatuation
Impossible to end at my destination.

Kitty Come Soon

Like a railroad track to chaos and despair,
I want to dance among the long curled hair,
Hard not to stare, harder yet to beware.
Watery eyes, like a segue, a window to her intent.
I find myself stricken and falling too quick.
I’m riding this train, unable to stop,
There is no exit, there are no drops.
Speeding and rushing this train picks up tempo
Like a song bleeding its final crescendo.
And I, who once was the conductor of this tune
Find myself the victim of “kitty come soon”.
And so I jump to depart to avoid getting bored,
Or worse to avoid being boring
Looking for a new way, thinking I am safe
I dive back in, ebb and flow, into the deep end
Its cyclical like commotion, driving my damn emotion
and in the height of it, with no one else around
she lets me touch her boarding that train
this time to the end. 

Monday, January 18, 2010

Jester

Floating and wanton
But never forgotten
Set to flame on a pool of desire
Created by my need to conspire
And upon fruition while blooming and birthing
I found a conclusion that left me searching.
So be my thoughts foolish, frank, or sequestered,
I remain the mute king and they the prince jester.

ELL 08/04

I Saw It

I saw our starting place hidden behind the dead forest of rhetoric and our bright futures exposed in the sarcastic verbiage of a cold grey winter shower. And so I'm found in a blue oriental haiku, but lost again in my fast round about back here in the dead wood with you. Free me red from this wood I dread and bring me to the light, show me how to make these feelings copulate to white.

ELL 08/05

Stones

When shadows fall where Buddha waits,
A meeting place does time create.
Where you evolved and I became
To finish the paths we had called the same.
Forgotten stones of the path
For which I have walked
And the taste of the air that blew.
Textures gone, the clouds away
With all those things I knew.
Just impressions now,
Stuck in stone making the path anew.
But the colors coming back round now,
Just in time for you.

ELL 02/04

Woman. Girl. Man. Boy. Friends. Us. Me

Frustrating, unreciprocated, intolerant, in love.

Flirting, unrestricted, intentional, in jest.

Fallen, unforgivable, in kind, inside.

Forte, unpredictable, informed, in love.

Firm, unexpected, envisioned, intuitive.

Feared, unknown, impossible, in love.

Finding, uncompromising, impatient, in awe.

And all of these at once as I so often fall.


One Million Things

One million sweet things to say,
Help me lover find the way.
How long I wonder will it take,
Perhaps until I'm 108.
And speaking of desire, of love, and me
I've searched time for something used,
But in music now, and art tomorrow,
I have found something new in you.

I wait for these moments
Till moments are no more
To convince you of my intent,
The one that I adore.
In love, I surely am.
Known I am not.
So guided by nothing more than fate,
I'll love you till I'm 108.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Muse

Broken streets have left me meek
‘lying lost in the scent of her’.
Too many days pass between my indiscretions
And so I’m impatient at the thought of her.
I loose sleep to dancing gypsies roaming through my mind,
Beating toward my heart, me they’ve yet to find.

Violent sensations in violet all around,
The world put asunder with its disturbing sounds,
I have to save my destiny and protect the truth,
To show the world my passion and give myself some proof.

I get one ration of passion to get me through my day,
And who do I find purring but this kitty in my way.
So I deliver my misfortune in one unyielding verse,
Letting this fool guide me directly into her.
No troubles come tithing here at my door,
Instead I find my muse waiting, grrrrr, meow, roar!

Discovering The World (Sarcastically)

I have just discovered the world and I did it, not by discovering myself or traveling to far off lands, but by ceasing my desire to discover and becoming aware of the world passing through me ).

Have you noticed everyone searching?

Have you noticed that it is not until a very late age or after some intense psychological/spiritual trauma that they seem to reach a peaceful plane where the mental expedition stops and all that seems important is the now. All that matters is capturing the moment, good or bad (these imaginary systems), recognizing that this is a more relaxed and enlightened life.

The problem I see, however, is not with those that are not enlightened or those that are because these by there psychological nature, dare I say universal nature, are subject to entropy and therefore are fleeting. The problem I see is with the idea of naming a state of acceptance.

When I was younger I enjoyed drama, and found peace in it. Now that I am on the backside of psychological trauma I enjoy quiet moments and find more peace in them (not to say I don’t still enjoy the occasional situation or a good ol'fashioned crush). Therefore I can only conclude that if the meaning of life is to, as I previously stated, find peace, than this is invariably what we are doing all of the time, for it is our purpose and therefore, no matter the state we seem to be in and no matter what we seem to be doing we are all seeking peace.
Unfortunately this peace for some comes from chaos and pain, for others it comes from peace and joy, but these are not right and wrong, they are nature, of which we are conscious, maintaining its perfect balance. This balance, however, is not permanent, or at least not to the extent that we can perceive it as such. It is rather a completely objective complex machine incapable of fault because it is incapable of doing.
It is held in harmony by its laws, the sciences that we manipulate are our governor, and our governing bodies, religion, law, etc are merely our best manifestations of these universal principles we do not understand. My one fear is that our collective mind may be capable of creating science but even then it is only we who would be manifesting a less eloquent system of a universe that is quite obviously eloquent.

Stop judging, stop looking or don’t…you are already doing what you are trying to figure out if you should be doing. What you lack is the courage to do without the justification of others. This is the failure of man; we are too weak for our occasional conscious and I am just the person to judge you for it as I am perhaps its biggest victim. This is why, as hero and victim, I give it to God, pray to the rising sun, and try to find myself in everyone I meet.

ELL 06/15/07

The Chase

I struggle to recall as I sit
The thought that was here just then
As I reach out to grasp it,
It eases away from me, again

What kind it was, I’m sure to know
There’s been no time to forget
I had it here only a moment ago,
When the idea and I first met

I’ve chased it around my mind
And thought to lure it closer
But the point I had, I can not find
So now, I conjure another

Modern Philospher

Thoughtfully structured
And without jest
Speech so measured
Makes a patience test

With words too simple
And perfectly true
They arrive to be heard
As if they were new

Deep carved wrinkles
Defend a furrowed brow
From many thoughts
That are so often foul

Set above a gaze
With such depth
Yet, there is no sign
You have ever wept

Jaded

Jaded red, and hazel blue
Lost again till I see you.
No wine heals this time apart
Or the romance I am about to start.
Flowers know as I do,
Spring times coming, an intoxicating bloom,
Seductive to the morning tune
Of waffles, red wine, skittles and you.

A mystery conceals me from myself,
This boy carrying this boring man
Looking for the boy that once held the plan
And what do I find standing in my place
But a kitty purring and scratching at my face.
Well kitty come roll in the fight I am,
And roll until I am a man,
Roll until spring is done,
The blooms all gone with the setting sun.

And to Orion that would judge my fate
Stop and be gone, you’ll have to wait,
Clouds roll in and conceal my intent
Hide it from everyone, hide it within.
Looking for a reason and knowing what’s to come,
I roll in the purity of this spring time fun.

All I Have

Now close your bright hazel eyes,
And shield me from your purity.
Shut down that smile and force me to shadow.
I know what you feel,
And though I can’t think it out loud,
I can know it, in quiet, in my shadow.

My proper propensity is failing,
And in its place I may only know fear.
Fear of losing this, fear of never knowing your feeling to its end.
And though I know and I the same
All I can give you are my eyes, absent and blue,
For my soul is what you feel and it fails to soon.

And if I begged I would beg for this,
A universe that grants me bliss,
But not in spirit, thought, or psyche,
But that my soul would know redemption,
And even stand as manifest of your salvation.

But only for a moment in your gaze and at your smiles mercy
Could I receive such a gift, but would it know me?
Can I know it if not but something more than this feeling I feel now.
What tease is this that scorns at me,
What wantonness is this if not a bullying child?
Taking my mind and twisting it,
Taking my soul and bearing it, forcing it away.

For who am I but man, and you, if not my only.
This then, my destiny, to dream of such things
For me to know, you to not, and the world to see me
As a stolen soul, left in shadow, without the courage
To say anything.

But I will not cry, I will not fight, I will not growl.
Rather, like the defeated, the lost, and the meek,
I will reflect on you, I will reflect on the status of my being,
And in the end, when the feeling passes, all I will have is this.

ELL 1/14/10

To Undress Her

I could not even catch my breath as I began to unlace her shoe. Comfort was my only thought as I approached what I would do. I got one off so purposefully and justified. I did not want to force it for fear of ruining my intentions tide. Her sock came too easy, almost giving itself to me, and beneath were those painted toes, so soft were those feet. We had already kissed and she'd lay back revealing herself to me and so I moved, as I do, without sacrificing virginity. I kissed those feet in the dark and saw my own defeat. Like a beast kneeling before a bee stricken to his knees, a true and archetypal victory.
She began unbuttoning her blouse and I rushed to her top to stop her. "Let me now", I whispered, begging that she let me be the laborer as I had to remain in control for I was afraid I might rape her. I moved my lips across her legs feeling the texture of her soul and so when I moved across her skirt I did so gracefully, reciting Dante in my mind remembering the detachment and might, forcing myself to focus harder on these moments, even daring myself to be perfect. I was in the moment and out again, never consumed, but ever aware. So as my hands found themselves on her so I was reminded that she was alive and sober. I started again with those buttons, each a tiny battle in this war, and finally I their victor, emperor of this cream torso. Her skirt was zippered and I had to touch her to release it, feeling too much, forgetting to breath, and shaking like a boy 'on that night'. Finally the passion overwhelmed me and I, staring at this nudity, smelling its serenity, and having tasted the sweat of lust, removed myself from her, having done nothing to upset or invade her, and finally leaving having only undressed her.

ELL 5/31/06

Figured

‘Cause if I breathed any deeper or focused any harder I’d tear a whole in the reality I see. How much more can a man slow down than to watch the growth of a tree. And here I wait, perfecting my craft, uninspired by what I mean, knowingly caught in the struggle of life, and carried by the drama that is the apex of my reality. And the nirvana has turned out to be too much for everlasting certainty as it’s meant only to shroud an moment, its own spiritual brief. So sampling I go, one end to the next ever hopeful of an unfamiliar reflex. And finding it pure, or finding it sure, finding it evil or finding it flawed I go on searching in this reality I know for the chance to transcend to one that I don’t.

ELL 3/11/06

Intent

Sitting here, alone and lonely I find myself in need of some self expression and what better avenue than this. I have compiled, through life and relationships, several hundred poems which I intend on publishing here. Please feel free to comment, I view poetry, like all things, as an evolution.

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Why worry when you can wonder...